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Friday, February 20, 2004

i caved, i couldn't help it. sitting at home cleaning is not all that much fun. on top of the fact that there are no distractions to keep me from my thoughts. so i decided hey, this is a good way to let them all go.

its not that everything sucks, its just that i don't know how to think about certain things and people and life. as sad is this is going to sound, i am glad that there will be no more highschool and everyone will be off on their own and although they will be greatly missed, i think its about damn time.

it seems like everyone lives for what the people around them are going to think. and that makes me sad. i want to know: When will people in general start coming to terms with who they are and then start loving that who they are? i don't know.

we had to write a poem the other day about who we thought we were. Immediately after i thought Breakfast Club, but then i thought about it, who am i? and who really knows or cares about me. highschool is filled with all this fakeness and judgements and i really hope that is not who i am. i was talking to a friend the other day about judgements and i realized that although everyone thinks that he is judgmental, which of course he is, he isnt half asjudgemental as the people around him. he is honest and in most cases correct. and in a strange twist of events he is the one who gets judged the most. and the funny thing is that he is an amazing kid and he doesnt quite see that. to this kid:i love you and care about you deeply. i want you to realize that you dont have to look other places to find who you want to be. i havent known you that long and even still your presence will alway be a part of who i am. and i know that you have new outlooks on life but make sure you that you truly know the people you surround yourself first before you put your trust in them

i am not lying about anything anymore. i spent too much time with mandi keeping secrets. they suck. the point to all this ranting is this: i believe that i am a good person, i fave faults as do others, but i am not going to lie about them.

my other thought is that i love everyone. everyone who reads this and everyone who doesnt. i love you! but i may not give a damn. thats the differece. if your heart is there. and i dont think that you can truly care for someone until they know the truth about you and visa versa.

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